C has settled in quite nicely at work. She goes out for cigarette breaks every half an hour and potters around leaving coffee cups everywhere in my office. She makes me feel like a hundred year old moaning granny:
Is this your cup? Do you mind not leaving it on my reports? It’s stained the originals that I worked on for a week. Do you mind putting things back where you took them? I can’t seem to find my stapler.
And so it goes. She just shrugs it off with a smile and pats me on the head. Oh darling, she says, it’s an age thing. I can’t remember everything, can I?
Strangely enough she seems to really like me. She suggests going out for walks together during the lunch break. Or window shopping. Or having lunch together. I’ve managed to avoid her suggestions with the excuse that I have things to do and always bring a lunch box with me. When I run out of my office pretending I’m in a hurry, she reminds me to put a hat on if it’s cold outside, and makes sure my scarf is wrapped tightly around my neck.
Of course (I should’ve seen it coming) she’s now figured out how to be my shadow even at lunch break: lunch box. As soon as I walk in to the staff room she’s there putting her lunch box into the micro wave next to the one I’m using.
You’re eating now too? She asks happily, stating the obvious.
Yesterday I’d brought a pasty with me.
Oh, what is THAT? She shrieked with excitement.
A pasty, I said, thinking surely she’d seen one of those before.
Oh, love, have you MADE that yourself? She asked, as if I’d made an invaluable masterpiece. All by yourself? God, aren’t you a clever girl?! She added as I nodded a yes for an answer.
No offence, I said as calmly as I could, but it’s just a pasty. You’re acting like I was a three year old who’d just made her first poo poo in the potty.
Oh bless you, she laughed and stroked my cheek. Aren’t you a funny sweet girl.
Is it me? Is this normal? Or have I got the right to wanting to punch her lights out?
Thursday, 8 November 2007
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
the indecent proposal
One of my secret passions is acting. I cannot describe how I love standing in front of a camera and give myself over to the role character I’m asked to play.
My colleagues’ hobbies are their grandchildren, watching football on telly and a bit of gardening. The bosses love talking about their yachts of course, but mainly the conversations over the compulsory 8.45 am coffee break are something to do with the first subjects mentioned above.
I recently landed a role in a movie. Not a big one, of course, but I actually got a few speaking lines and was over the moon. I had once, before knowing any better, told my colleagues that I was due on telly one evening when I first started at the company. They looked at me like I was an alien. So this time I knew better. Just took a week off work and never mentioned the reason.
Of course taking time off in late October was strange enough in the eyes of my beloved co-workers:
Why? In October? You don’t have a chalet or a boat that needs attention before winter, do you? So why are you taking time off?
I did the filming for a week and then returned to work, high in spirits on the following Monday. I was asked to attend an ongoing board meeting, so off I went. The room was full of middle aged men, all in cheap suits and badly polished shoes drinking coffee and giggling like school children.
Miss Marple, you’re a bit of a movie star, aren’t you? One of the men said as I entered the room, whilst the others started laughing uncontrollably.
Well, that would be a bit of an exaggeration, I said rather startled. Why? Have you seen me in a film? I asked, thinking someone must’ve figured out why I’d had the week off.
The men cried with laughter. I stood there, seriously confused.
Yeah, "Miss Marple – the strap on slut" I think it was called, one of the obviously sexually frustrated men shouted and looked well excited whilst the other men howled like a pack of wolves.
I was gob smacked. Completely lost for words. Just walked out of the room without knowing why I was meant to attend their stupid meeting in the first place. I still don’t know. All I know is that I’m surrounded by a bunch of perverts.
My colleagues’ hobbies are their grandchildren, watching football on telly and a bit of gardening. The bosses love talking about their yachts of course, but mainly the conversations over the compulsory 8.45 am coffee break are something to do with the first subjects mentioned above.
I recently landed a role in a movie. Not a big one, of course, but I actually got a few speaking lines and was over the moon. I had once, before knowing any better, told my colleagues that I was due on telly one evening when I first started at the company. They looked at me like I was an alien. So this time I knew better. Just took a week off work and never mentioned the reason.
Of course taking time off in late October was strange enough in the eyes of my beloved co-workers:
Why? In October? You don’t have a chalet or a boat that needs attention before winter, do you? So why are you taking time off?
I did the filming for a week and then returned to work, high in spirits on the following Monday. I was asked to attend an ongoing board meeting, so off I went. The room was full of middle aged men, all in cheap suits and badly polished shoes drinking coffee and giggling like school children.
Miss Marple, you’re a bit of a movie star, aren’t you? One of the men said as I entered the room, whilst the others started laughing uncontrollably.
Well, that would be a bit of an exaggeration, I said rather startled. Why? Have you seen me in a film? I asked, thinking someone must’ve figured out why I’d had the week off.
The men cried with laughter. I stood there, seriously confused.
Yeah, "Miss Marple – the strap on slut" I think it was called, one of the obviously sexually frustrated men shouted and looked well excited whilst the other men howled like a pack of wolves.
I was gob smacked. Completely lost for words. Just walked out of the room without knowing why I was meant to attend their stupid meeting in the first place. I still don’t know. All I know is that I’m surrounded by a bunch of perverts.
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